When I look back on the past 9ish months I realize how long of a 9 months it has been. We have gone through so many changes: having a baby, getting through grad school, moving, David taking the bar, looking for jobs, finding jobs, taking trips... it has been a lot. For the past 9 months I really feel as though I have been just trying to get by, and while I in no where feel like we are settled yet (in terms of where we are going to live and what we are going to do) I feel a bit more settled as an individual.
Becoming a mother has changed so much about me - it has drastically shifted my priorities and the way that I see myself. I know that my identity lies ultimately in God, but this role as a mother also plays a big part when I define who I am. I can't fully explain this feeling, but deeply I know that being a mom is the most important thing that I will do on this earth. When I first found out that I was pregnant I was so crushed that I would have to balance grad school with being a new mom and that my newborn baby would have to "share" me with anything. I wanted so badly to be home all the time and watch her every smile and soothe her every cry. As summer approached David and I decided that I could take the summer to stay home with Lydia, and I am so grateful for the time that I devoted to her each day. I think it was important over the summer to get her into a routine and provide security for her as everything around her changed.
Once the summer started to wind down I questioned whether I should go back to work, and we decided that I needed to, at least until David found a job. God opened so many doors for me to get a few adjunct positions, but as the semester started I was scared that working part time and splitting my energy between home and work would feel like it did when I was in grad school. However, after about a month of working part time I have decided that I love everything about it.
I have to admit that I am a little self conscious about this confession. Part of me really wants to love staying home full time, and maybe someday I will. But for now I am greatly enjoying my time as a working mom. It helps that I work 15 hours and 4 days a week; that my mom and mother-in-law watch Lydia (for free) on the days when I am gone; that my financial contribution to our little family is of utmost importance; that my baby is happy while I am away. I realize that in so many ways I am very fortunate to be in this position, but I didn't think I would love it as much as I do.
I love that every day I have to take a shower and put on mascara. I love having adult conversations and that people call me "Mrs. Harrison". I love teaching college students and Mazak employees about math. And I love coming home to a gummy smile with renewed energy and enthusiasm.
Too many times in the past I have wanted to change who I am. I haven't been happy that I am a go getter - that I am so darn disciplined and inflexible. I used to feel as though I was boring, and wished that I could be a content free spirit who could take lazy Saturdays to watch movies. But, that is just not me. I definitely still want to work on my weaknesses, but I also want to embrace my strengths for what they are - a good thing! When I was working on campus ministry a couple years ago the whole staff took a Strengths Finder test. When I finished it, it told me that my #1 strength (by far) was that I was an achiever. I was so sad, and wanted to take the test again (typical achiever thing to do), but later I realized that the test helped me to learn so much about myself.
It isn't bad that I like to feel productive each day. It is only negative if I define myself by my to do list. I am not a bad mother because I like to work. In fact, I feel that now I am a better mother to Lydia than ever. Now I have so much more energy to give to her, and I take our time for granted much less often. I feel like I have the best of both worlds because I still get to be with her the vast majority of the time, but I can also feel like I am doing something purposeful for the outside world on a daily basis.
Things may change, and in a few months I may want to stay at home full time again. I am just very grateful to be where I am today and I am still learning how to navigate through all of the changes that motherhood has brought with it. As usual I have come to the same conclusion in this area as with so many others - there is no one right answer for everyone. Every family is different and each person has to decide what is best for them and for their child. I have also learned that with babies, things don't always go how you think they will. I thought I would love staying at home with a baby full time, but as it turns out I think I may enjoy the experience a lot more once Lydia is a little bit older.
It is truly amazing what being a parent teaches you about yourself, and all the ways in which it makes you grow. I am so very thankful for all that my baby girl has taught me.
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