The Honor of Being a Mommy

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
-Elizabeth Stone

I think that being a mom gets a bad rap. It is most definitely challenging, time consuming, self-sacrificing and exhausting. It is also fun, inspiring and rewarding. Up until recently I may not have included the latter adjective because for a while mothering Lydia was rarely rewarding. I found it difficult to receive her affection when she was a newborn because I wasn't (and am still not) convinced that she was really giving it. As she has gotten older there are rewarding moments - when she says "mama", when she walks up to me and asks "up?", and when she leans in for an uninvited kiss. However, along with Lydia's new found communication skills has come a sense of independence. She prefers to read alone, loves to explore, and is offended by an invasion of her personal space. Other than nursing she and I have very few cuddly, calm moments. There are definitely days when I long for the past - when she would lay in my arms for hours and sleep soundly on my chest. All in all I enjoy toddler-hood much more than the newborn phase, but at the same time it is always hard to feel as though you are needed less and less.

But these past two days have been some of the most rewarding of my life thus far.

On Thursday Lydia wasn't feeling well. She had a bit of a cough and was running a low grade fever. I brought her home for her afternoon nap and she fell asleep with no problem. She slept for 2 hours and then it was time for David and I to go to small group. I left her with grandparents sure she was getting better, but when we got home the opposite was true. We were up all of Thursday night; Lydia was fighting a fever of 102 and David and I were typical "new" parents - waking her up to take her temperature and force a little Tylenol. I nursed her as her breathing became more shallow and her sleep more restless.

Friday morning I called the doctor and got scheduled for the first available appointment. My mom came over to hold an inconsolable Lydia so that I could brush my teeth and put on some clothes. We all headed to the doctor and received the news that Lydia had pneumonia... and I was devastated. She would be fine, but my baby girl was sick.

On Friday between 7:30 am and 9:30 pm Lydia Grace slept on my chest and nursed. She was maybe apart from me for an hour total throughout the day. My plans to go to Lexington were obviously cancelled and I set any to-do list aside. However, I felt no anger, disappointment or restlessness because there was no question in my mind as to where I wanted to be. I wanted to be with Lydia - holding her, comforting her and literally nursing her back to health.

As I listened to her labored breaths and gazed at her long eyelashes I was struck so many times with a feeling of honor. How do I deserve to be the mother of this precious child? Who am I to be entrusted with her care? Lydia was clear all day long - Daddy won't do, Nana isn't enough, sleeping alone is not an option - all she wanted was me. All she wanted was her mommy. And I felt so, so blessed to be that person.

Yesterday was truly a beautiful day. As I took care of Lydia my own mom refilled my glass of water, fed me lunch and drove us where we needed to go. This morning David's step mom and mom helped immensely by bringing me breakfast and getting Lydia what she needed. Mothers taking care of mothers taking care of daughters.

Lydia is doing much better now although she is definitely still on the mend. She slept in her crib last night from 9:30-5 (with David and I alternating checking on her) and has now been asleep in her crib for 3 1/2 hours (again with me checking on her every 45 minutes or so). She is on an antibiotic and I am so grateful for modern medicine. I know that we may have a long-ish road ahead, and although I would have never wished any sickness on my baby I am also thankful for what these 2 days have brought.

A new perspective - a gracious reward.  A true blessing of honor.