As Lydia begins experiencing solid food lately I find myself being a bit sad that the first chapter of our breastfeeding experience is quickly coming to an end. She was exclusively breastfed for the first 6 months of her life - which means that every ounce she gained, every roll and dimple she developed, every way her body grew was due to the milk my body was producing. This fact truly blows my mind when I really think about it and inspires awe for my own body. Now she is tasting potatoes, bananas, whipped cream, peas, yogurt, carrots and much more, and although she is currently still nursing as often as she was before, I know that it is only a matter of time before she cuts down on our intimate, precious moments together.
I must admit that anytime I hear that a woman and her baby have no problem breastfeeding from the beginning I get a little jealous. My mind goes back to the first 5 days of Lydia's life. David, Lydia and I struggled every 2-3 hours to get her to latch, then if she latched we struggled to keep her awake, then if she actually had a good session we had a hard time waking her up next time, and the process repeated. I remember seeing a lactation consultant 3 days after Lydia was born and feeling justified in my pain when I saw her reaction to my "nursing wounds". Even if Lydia was eating alright I was constantly taking care of myself before and after nursing her - and when you have a newborn who eats about 10 times a day you already feel like all you do is breastfeed! I could never find anything to wear, I was constantly leaking, I was in pain every time; it was kind of miserable.
Around 4 weeks I felt like we had kind of hit a stride. Everything was still painful but the bleeding had gone away, and I thought I was starting to understand Lydia's schedule. She would eat every 4 hours for an hour at a time, and even though this schedule was not ideal I thought I had figured it out. Then, at her 8 weeks appointment, the pediatrician wasn't happy with her weight gain and I was crushed. I had put in so much work, and had stayed committed through so much.. for nothing it seemed. The doctor said she would give me a week to try to kick start my supply, and if Lydia's weight gain wasn't sufficient we would have to supplement with formula. For the next 7 days I talked with 2 different lactation consultants, changed my diet, fed Lydia twice as much and pumped 4 times a day. It was so exhausting. But in the end it paid off. Lydia gained 11 ounces in 7 days and everyone was happy.
Once we got over that bump in the road around 2 months the breastfeeding experience really started to improve. I still struggled with what to wear each day (especially because I had to go to school and teach!), and breastfeeding continued to be painful until 3 months. But at some point things started to take a turn for the better and now I am in an entirely different place.
Looking back, I am not completely sure why I stuck so strongly to exclusively breastfeeding. I think a lot of it was that I have grown up in a "breast is best" culture. My mom nursed me and all of my siblings, all of my sisters-in-law were nursing their babies, and all of my close friends had also chosen to breastfeed. They supported me through the hard times, and I think that since I had seen their experiences I was determined to make it work for us too. Reflecting back I also think that being in graduate school had something to do with it. I wanted so badly to stay home with Lydia all the time in the beginning - when she was so tiny and needy - so I think that I clung tightly to breastfeeding as a way to be there for her in a very real way.
Whatever the reasons were you should know that I know breastfeeding may not be for some people and that is completely fine with me. At the same time, if you want to breastfeed and are having troubles I want to encourage you to stick with it!! Because today I love it more than anything. I cannot describe the connection that I feel with Lydia when she is nursing. She looks into my eyes, flashes gummy grins, puts her fingers in my mouth and pats my collarbones. In those moments I see her just as she was when she was born - helpless, innocent, perfect, my baby. I love the quiet moments that we spend together and the bond that we have formed during nursing sessions. All of the problems with pain, my wardrobe, and my milk supply have solved themselves, and I am so grateful and proud to have had this experience with my daughter.
Today I truly love breastfeeding and I am so glad that we worked so hard together to get to this point. I know that soon the dynamics of nursing will begin to change, and although it is sad it is exciting too. I love seeing Lydia experience food for the first time and it is amazing to see her becoming more independent even in this small way. Ideally I will breastfeed Lydia until she is at least a year old, and I would like to let her naturally wean herself. Only time will tell how the latter breastfeeding chapters will go, but for now I am so happy with where we are!
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