A year ago today was the day we found out I was pregnant. You can read my reaction to this news here. Needless to say, I was really, really scared. This wasn't at all the emotion I thought I would feel when I found out I was pregnant... someday, far away in the future.
But,
when that day was 3 weeks before finals of my 2nd of 4 semesters of graduate school
when that week was more than a year before David would be finished with law school
when that day was who knows how long before we would have a real income
I was scared.
I felt like David and I, well particularly I, had messed up somehow. I felt irresponsible, nervous, embarrassed... so many negative things all at once. It was so bizarre and looking back at that reaction I see how much have grown in my faith and how much my perspective has changed. And I am now sure that everything happens for a reason, at its perfect time, even if we think it is the worst timing possible.
Just about everyday David and I turn to each other and ask, "What was our life like before her?" We honestly cannot remember the feeling of not having Lydia Grace in our world. As my pregnancy progressed one of the things that I was most nervous about was the weight of the fact that our child will be around for our whole lives. I was anxious about my relationship with my husband changing so deeply and I was afraid that I would somehow feel cramped by this new, always present companion in my life. But now, truly, I cannot imagine life without her. Every morning I anticipate the time when she will wake up and smile at me; I look forward to bath time when she kicks like a maniac; I dream about the vacations and memories that we will make together someday. My heart is so full when I think about my daughter that I don't understand how it didn't feel empty before she was with us.
I also see every single day how much becoming a mom has made me grow and mature as a person, and as a follower of Jesus. This is kind of a whole other post in and of itself, but in short, having a baby has challenged me to be completely selfless and it has also forced me to be complete vulnerable. Neither of these attributes come easily to me - especially the vulnerability. But over the past year I have learned to accept and ask for help from the people around me. I have learned that I am in no way in control of so many things and Lydia has opened up my heart to love more deeply than I ever thought possible. A few weeks ago one of my best friends wrote me a note where she commented that I seem so relaxed as a mommy; like it was what I was made to do. What a compliment! When I read that the tears welled up because it is exactly how I feel and I am so glad that this joy and peace that I feel shows on the outside too.
Most importantly, my faith in God has grown so much over the past year. I truly believe in His plan and timing now, and I have complete trust that He will always be there to provide for our family and to help David and I as we go through hard times. Only with the Lord have we overcome the obstacles of this past year - and we are all so very blessed because of those challenges.
A year ago today my life forever changed. I had no idea at the time all of the ways in which carrying a baby, birthing a baby, and caring for a baby would affect me. And I am so excited because I know that this journey has just begun!
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