The Heartache of a Mommy

I truly love being a mother. It is such an honor to be given the opportunity to love and shape a perfect creation of God and in so many ways I feel that it is exactly what I was put on earth to do. I really haven't written enough about the joy that motherhood brings - it is a deep joy that hurts my heart sometimes. My Lydia is so precious to me and I just feel unbelievably blessed everyday.

However, being a mommy is also hard. Today was one of the hard days... It was the dreaded day of her first round of vaccines. I knew that it would be difficult to hear her cry when she got the shots but there were so many other emotions with which I was bombarded that I never expected.

Like second guessing myself for choosing to vaccinate in the first place.

Like feeling guilty and nervous for putting such harsh things into her tiny, perfect body.

Like feeling anxious and worried about facing the appointment all day long.

I can't describe how hard it is to feel your baby cry when you are a mom. It is an emotion and pain that I had never experienced before and it is really hard to stay strong. Especially when you know that the baby is hurting. I heard Lydia cry in a whole new way today and it was so hard to not break down myself. On top of the vaccines she also had to get her heel pricked yet again to test her Thyroid again. We are praying hard that it comes back normal this time.

Not only did I have to face her first vaccines today, but I had to face some more hard news at her appointment. Lydia Grace isn't gaining the amount of weight "they would like" her to gain. Instead of gaining 20-30 grams each day from her last appointment until now she has only gained 13 on average. It may be that my milk supply has decreased, it may in fact be an abnormal Thyroid issue. It may be nothing at all... I think she is just a small baby! But either way, this week I have to pump 4 times each day after her feedings and then give her a bottle of anything that I pump and then we will bring her back in next Tuesday to check her weight again. If her weight gain hasn't increased by then, I know that the formula supplement conversation will begin with the doctor.

There isn't any reason to worry... and I know that. Lydia is very healthy and we have so, so much to be thankful for. If we have to supplement with formula we will and everything will be fine. But it was hard news to accept for me. It made me feel a little bit inadequate, because I see feeding her as "my thing" kind of, something that I truly love to do and am proud of myself for doing. I know it is silly, but it affected me a lot more than I thought it would, and it has been hard to come to terms with this evening.

Anyway, in general it was a hard day. Today made me realize all of the new emotions that a mommy experiences - all of the heartaches that are truly unique to being a mother. It is a difficult thing, but a beautiful one at the same time.