The Ups and Downs

Yesterday and today thus far I have spent every waking minute (besides 5 hours which were spent eating, teaching or taking my dog out) doing math. It is weeks like these that I feel lame. But right now I am taking a 20 minute break as my wonderful husband cooks us some spaghetti (yes, at 4:13 in the afternoon, we are both hungry already!)

I really do enjoy school, and more importantly I know this is where God wants me to be right now. Believe me, I have prayed about it a lot. Prayers that mostly go, “Are you sure?”, “What am I doing here?”, and “Who am I influencing here?”. But over and over again I have seen that yes, I do belong here at UK still, working on math, teaching silly business students, being a diligent student, and loving the people around me in any way that I can.

I also believe that God is teaching me a lot through graduate school. Undergrad was pretty easy for me in general… I have always been good at school without having to work too hard for it. In undergrad I was ahead of most of the other math majors, and I was blessed with neat opportunities, like living in Chile, doing research at Cornell, and serving at CSF. Graduate school is a different story entirely. I am the only person in my class who went to UK for undergrad… and the rest of the students (generally) went to better schools and are SUPER smart. Also, very few of them are married or have a group of friends established here in Lexington, so I feel like a lot of them devote a larger amount of their time to school. This is a very different place to be in than I have been used to.

Also, grad school takes a TON of time! I feel like I don’t have time for much else outside of being a wife and being a math phd student. This makes it hard for me to remind myself that as much as I should be focusing my efforts on graduate school, it in no way defines my worth or purpose. And there is the lesson I am being taught currently.

This week has been a week of ups and downs. On Monday I received my highest grade in grad school on an exam thus far. A 98! That is almost unheard of. I was very surprised, but felt really good about it. I took it as confirmation that I am in the right place, doing the right thing. But today, I received the lowest grade on an exam in grad school thus far. It was really , really low. I mean, it was around average when compared to everyone else, but still to see that low number on the page was really hard. Also, that class that I got the 98 in I really dislike. It isn’t very interesting or inspiring. But the exam that I got back today is in Discrete, my favorite class by far, the subject that I am doing research in this summer, and the branch of math that my favorite professor does research in. What a bummer!

I went and talked to that favorite professor (who is the one who teaches Discrete this semester) about my grade. He was encouraging in some ways, and challenging in others. He reminded me that I am not as mathematically mature as the others around me because I got a late start in math, but also that I can see the “big picture” in math really well, while others usually don’t care to look for it.

I left today feeling a little blah… and as I was riding home with David was in a pensive mood. Then I remembered the wise words of a friend that were spoken to me about 2 weeks ago, “It’s not about what you do, it’s about who you are”. And I realized for the 5 trillionth time that I can’t look to grades to tell me if I am in the right place… and I can’t find my purpose in life by doing what I am good at. I just have to focus on being the woman that God wants me to be, everyday.

So this is me… being honest. And also joyful. What a blessing it is to be in grad school, and have a wonderful husband and an incredible family. And what a blessing it is to know that ultimately, it doesn’t matter what I score on my discrete midterm. And what a blessing it is that Spring Break is 2 days away and I get to go to Arizona to see one of my best friends and her new baby boy!

Until after midterms…