Cleansing Breath

In our natural birthing class they taught David and I this thing called a cleansing breath. The idea is that after each contraction you take a really deep breath and then exhale that contraction away. You never have to do it again. It may have been hard, there may be more coming but that one is over.

Today David and I both take a cleansing breath for the end of both of our semesters. I finished my last exam on Monday and he finished his yesterday afternoon. I am not really sure that it has hit him yet (he was up before 6 this morning, probably with a little leftover text anxiety), but I bet that as the day moves forward and we do nothing but watch Christmas movies, clean up our house a bit and get tiny last minute baby preparations together he will start to feel the relief too.

I don't only feel relief about the semester being over, although that emotion is currently at the forefront. When I think about it I feel extreme thankfulness that our semester is over. As you can read about here, I kind of freaked out a little bit when I found out that I was pregnant. We were in no way planning on having a baby while both of us were in graduate school, especially considering the intensity of our programs. Having a family has always been a dream of ours but we thought it would be most wise to wait until (at least) one of us had a job and other little things like a health insurance plan. Also, we always planned to wait until I could stay home for at least the first 3 months of the baby's life. This is always what I have pictured, desired, and thought was right. Even now I have the feeling that I will want to work part time when my kids get a little bit older, but leaving a newborn baby for any amount of time still makes me feel a little sick.

But from the time that I found out I was pregnant we knew that the right decision was for both of us to go ahead and finish school. This baby will change our life, but she doesn't have to stop our life. With our calendars in front of us and our practicality glasses on it was decided; we would finish up the Spring 2011 semester as best as we could given this world-rocking news, we would both work full time throughout the summer to try to save as much money as possible, we would both start and finish the Fall 2011 semester even though my due date was the Thursday of finals week, and then we would start and finish our Spring 2012 semesters with a 3-week-or-less old baby. Looking back I have no idea how we made this decision. We prayed about it a little bit, but I really believe that in the moment God was with us making the right decision clear.

However, as we ventured through our now "perfect" improvised plan there were so many moments when I had doubt. Getting sick every single day for 4 weeks during the end of the spring semester was one of the lowest points that I have ever been though. Working full time this summer at a research job where I thought about symmetrically constrained compositions all day tended to feel a bit meaningless when I began to feel a new life move about inside of me. And the fall semester.. oh the fall semester... was so, so hard. It was hard to walk back into the math department in August clearly pregnant and so out of place. It was hard to make my new hormone-affected brain focus during lectures and toward the end it was physically challenging to sit through 2 lectures in a row. It was hard to keep my frustrations and emotions in check while teaching freshmen calculus students. It was hard to all of the sudden not be able to be the student that I always had been - the one who does well on homework assignments and exams, who even in graduate school can keep up with the best of them. It was difficult to feel pride in what I was doing when I handed in half-completed homework assignments simply because I could not keep myself awake the night before or get myself up that morning to finish them. I questioned so many times what I was doing, what we were doing, what God was thinking giving us this baby now.

And now it is December 15th, my due date, and we are here on the other side. Finals finished, homeworks handed in, awaiting a beautiful baby girl that neither of us can now imagine our lives without. We never, ever could have planned it better ourselves (seriously, I don't think you can plan to have a baby within a 3 week window in general). God has been so faithful, in the big picture and in the tiny details and now I am full of so much joy and appreciation that we didn't go with our own plan because in so many ways there is no perfect time to have a baby; no comfortable phase in life to bring on the responsibility of a brand new life.

What seemed to impossible and what was so difficult is now such a huge blessing and just knowing that we would never have met this baby, our little Lydia Grace, if we had ultimately had control over our plans makes me so grateful that we are not in control. It was about two weeks ago when I was having one of my doubt moments and was crying to David about how poorly I felt I was doing at school. My pride and self-esteem have been hit so hard throughout my entire pregnancy... it has made me vulnerable and weak in ways that I have never experienced before and one of these ways was definitely in my school work. School was always a place where I received positive feedback and reassuring encouragement on my progress and on my purpose. It was something I loved, and I was good at it. This combination is always nice to have in your life, but this past semester took the affirmation away. Instead of making me feel smart or adequate it pushed me to my limits and I really had to fight through each day knowing that I was doing something that I wasn't sure was right for me. During my slight meltdown David looked at me and gave me the perspective that I hung on for the last two weeks and spoke words that still bring me to tears today. He said that when our little girl is born and I am holding her brand new body in my arms I won't question once what I have been doing these last 9 months. If nothing else, I have been supporting her, allowing God to craft her inside of me and preparing to deliver her into this world. I will be so proud of what I have done, of what we have done and what we have made together.

I am so thankful, joyful, peaceful and blessed. Now that we are on this side of the semester I am truly amazed at God's perfect timing and at his faithfulness even when things seem impossible. I am thankful that I am not ultimately in control and that my limited perspective is not the one that I have to rely on to make decisions and plans. I know that going forward things won't be easy for a while, but I know that they will work out and with the Lord's strength and the help of our wonderful family and friends we will once again make it through.

So come on, Lydia Grace! Your daddy and I are so ready for you; in our schedules, our minds and our hearts.