Hyperemesis: Round 2

The beginning of my first pregnancy was not easy, and as David and I were talking about the possibility of another baby we were aware that this time could be rough too. I prayed and hoped and sincerely believed that it could be - that maybe this time I wouldn't be as sick; that taking Zofran from the beginning would make things better; that my body wouldn't "freak out" as much this time because I had already done it. However an easy, healthy early pregnancy has alluded me again and here I sit 15 weeks along looking back at the blur and nightmare that the last 11 weeks has been.

This time I was diagnosed early on with hyperemesis. I suspected that I had the illness with my first pregnancy, and after reading more about it and devouring other women's testimonials I was sure that this time around I was suffering from a moderate case of it. The doctor who diagnosed me was so wonderful - he was the first who didn't ask why prenatal vitamin I was taking, or suggest I try putting crackers next to my bedside table so I can eat them before I get out of bed. Finally, someone who understood that what I was going through wasn't morning sickness. He explained to me why I was salivating at a disgusting rate and what I could do to help. He assured me that my labor type pains during digestion were normal. And he didn't give me the "as long as you are urinating twice a day, you are fine" line, but instead suggested that on days when I feel terrible I should come on into the office for a couple IV bags. I left that appointment finally feeling understood and justified. I wasn't a wimp; I wasn't a drama queen. I was legitimately ill with a disease that needs to be taken more seriously.

Many people have asked if it has been worse this time around, and the answer is yes, and no. 

I have remained in a physically healthier place this time. I lost 5 lbs instead of 17. When I went in for IVs my potassium and sodium levels were not as abnormally low as they were in my first pregnancy. I also feel like I kept some of my strength up - although I didn't walk or shower often, I could do these things on my own instead of needing assistance. However I attribute these differences to the fact that I had the intense help of my family this time rather than relying on David while he was working. During the day I was either at my parents' being cared for, encouraged to drink and being handed prepared food, or I was at home with his mom or our sister-in-law checking on me every couple hours. I am not able to explain how grateful I am to family and friends who helped us through this crazy journey by nursing me to health and by taking care of Lydia.

In most other ways things have been much more difficult this time around. I started feeling nauseous at 4 weeks and began vomiting non-stop around 6. Although I had the Zofran the vomiting and extreme nausea did not fade until 10 weeks. Even after 10 weeks I could not eat anywhere close to normally until about 12 weeks, and only in the last couple weeks have I had moments where the nausea has lifted. With my first pregnancy Zofran was my miracle drug - once I had it in my system at 10 weeks I felt a noticeable lift in the nausea and immediately had an appetite. 

Another reason this pregnancy is more challenging is the obvious added responsibility of Lydia. I have had such feelings of guilt about the struggles I have put our little family through. It isn't just me anymore - I am responsible for another person now, and I felt as though I all but disappeared from her life for 3 months. Like I said, our family helped us in amazing ways on this front, and my husband, oh my dear husband, picked up my slack in areas of the house, our bills, grocery shopping, etc. But it was a hard, long 11 weeks and it affected me emotionally I ways that the first pregnancy did not. 

The story is not over, and I know that. On the other side of this challenging season I am beginning to regain perspective and to celebrate the gift of pregnancy. I am starting to get excited to have another baby and to be grateful again for the things in my pregnancy that are going smoothly. I know that other people have it worse, and I know that some people can't get pregnant. I have reminded myself over and over that these sacrifices will be undoubtedly worth it (100 times over) when we meet our new baby. 

At the same time I think it is important to share my story. I know that I have gained so much from reading other women's battle stories. And I think it is important for me to document how I am feeling now so that in the future when (or if) we talk about having another biological child I can look back and attempt to remember what it has been like. I am quite aware that now would be a terrible time to make any kind of decision about future babies, but I also know that this season has been hard in legitimate ways that I don't want to take lightly. 

I hope this post wasn't too awful to read, and I hope you can forgive me for failing to write anything for quite a while. I want to document this pregnancy as well as tell you all about our amazing Lydia, but I have also learned that all I can so is take each day as it comes and focus on what is most important. Thanks for your understanding :)